The ... PrinCesS ... Of ... ForesTs ... !!!

Every Memory iS a SiGn ..... ThaT DefeniTly Once U Were Mine ... I'll Carry U iN My HearT and HolD U iN My MinD, Where U Can Be SaFe ... AwaY From PeoPle's OpiniOns, and WhaT's WronG and WhaT's RiGhT, AwaY From The No0ns Sun RaYs, and The ColD Of The NiGhT, AwaY From ChilDreN's FinGer PrinTs, and PeoPle eYes SiGhT ........ !!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

It was his turn !


We all get disappointed, 
life is made of disappointments, 
we don’t have any control over, but we definitely can control whether we want to be the disappointer or not, we always have the option here.
In my case, I knew I don’t want to do this, a deep voice inside of me kept screaming “NO, STOP”, but I wanted to try that out, I wanted to taste how it feels like, how it looks like to be there … 
I admit, I was truly selfish. I only had one hope, one excuse to relay on, he can fix me, that he can magically make all of these solid ancient walls just vanish, and somehow, he could!
I wasn’t the one to get into a relationship, I stopped believing in them long time ago … I happened to believe that I’m strong, strong enough to do it my own, and for a while I was, I can say that I used to be.
Then the momentum was gone, I needed a hand, a shoulder to lean on, I needed a voice to lie on me saying that things will be fine, they will be okay, until I fall asleep.
And there he was, standing among the crowd, he used to think he is lucky that I picked him up out of the line, but he didn’t know that it was only because it was his turn, he was next. I used the fact that he was attached to me, long ago, that he fell for me long ago, I used that to skip the beginners steps, I didn’t want anyone to get to know, I did not need someone to fall for gradually, simply because that wasn’t going to happen, I believed so. I was so hungry that I didn’t want to bake my perfect favorite meal, I just wanted a freshly made piece of cake, right out of the oven.
For a while, that was fun, we both were happy to fulfill what we wanted –in my case-, and dreamed of –in his case-, I used him, I truly did. And when things started getting more serious, much much serious, I panicked, I had to slip away.
It wasn’t his fault, but I was afraid, I was afraid of being in love with him, I had a a panic attack when I realized I’m getting attached to him, day by day I started to fall for him , I loved his voice, I couldn’t stand not hearing him talking all day, and listening to his crazy talks all night … He started to become a part of my future fantasies, his dreams suddenly were mixed with mines, his ambitions were climbing my wall, and his love was taking a hold of me.
I panicked, because I couldn’t understand that I’m there, I’ve found my one, he wasn’t my one I knew, after all of these, something about him made me question us. His madness about me was scaring me more, he was totally a control freak who wanted everything to go as he plan for, and for me, a selfish independent leo woman, this could not happen.
The good thing about this was how I ended it, not by just silently walking away as I did with others, but I bravely faced him, and simply explained why I want to be out of this. He was amazing, even in the way he reacted to my request, he simply responded that he understands he’s not the one, because unless, I would love to be controlled by him, and would simply obey whatever he decide.
And he didn’t know that the stronger love gets into me, the more I rebel.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

A message that a Pigeon lost ..



Hello there,
Hope you are alright ..

I know you are alright ..
You have always been so strong,

I know you can get over this ..
Then why don’t you ?? I don’t want to ask anyone about you ..
I won’t ask them how is he doing today ??
I don't need their answers ..
Because they don’t know you like I do ..

Why are you letting them say all these negative talks about you .. ?

You can scream on them


“SHUT UP! I’M FINE” ..

Scream, and make their world shudder ..
SHOUT OUT LOUD .. Like you always do ..  !!
I know you are getting back ..

You simply can’t give up,
You never did,You never were a sensitive person,Never needed peoples sympathies ..So why now ?
Why surrendering now ?


How can they say you are in danger ??

YOU ? the lion king ? the king of jungles ??

How come and you were the only one to help us getting out of serious situations ?

You were the only one who have answers to every question,

Why can’t you get yourself out of this ??

I don’t understand !!!
 

I can feel that you are cold .. 
Very cold .. 
And lonely .. 
Sudan warm sun misses you .. 
Birds stopped singing, 
River Nile begs for you to come and take a sip .. 
Your baby trees and flowers are dying waiting for your morning visits .. 
Who will take care of them if it’s not you ?? 
Kids waiting for their daily chocolates and money you give them for school ..
And revising their English lessons with you .. 
The house needs you to lighten up again .. 
And I wait for you too !!! 

I wait for you to live my paused life .. 
Still got so many things to discuss with you .. 
I have many good news to share with you .. 
Promise I will leave bed and be active once more .. 
Environment needs us both to be saved .. 
You said this once .. 
Then why you want to do it alone ?? 
How can I make it without your help ?? 

Can’t but see your face in every future plan I have .. 
Your smile when I get employed, 
Your words greeting my boyfriend the day he propose, 
Telling him about our family traditions, 
I know you will like him, 
Because he already loves you, 
I can see your face on my wedding day, 
And your hands carrying my first child, 
Telling us what we should name him, 
And seeing him growing up to be a great man ..
Just like you .. !!


I've planned everything with you involved .. 
Then why are you giving up your part ? 
They all mean nothing if you are not here ..

Future won’t be perfect without you .. !!


Monday, October 21, 2013

غير لون عيونك


...
صاروا شهرين و كم يوم 
انا و ياااك 
ما عم نقدر نوصل على ولا شى 
بعرف انه صار لازم إنساااك
بس ، لون عيونك بيذكرنى فيك

غير لون عيونك
خبارك، حكيك و جنونك
بحة صوتك بتذكرنى فيك
...
غير لون عيونك
خبارك، حكيك و جنونك
بركى بنسى انو افكر فيك

كل ما بتذكر قصتنا 
انا وياااك
بفكر دايما حالى انى نسيت
برجع بتذكر هاك الاياام
و بذكر وقتها انو انا ما قسيت


غير لون عيونك
خبارك، حكيك و جنونك
بحة صوتك بتذكرنى فيك
...
غير لون عيونك
خبارك، حكيك و جنونك
بركى بنسى انو افكر فيك

Monday, September 16, 2013

شـايفـاك !


بين هلوسات النوم الخفيف
و الحمى، و الجرح العميق

وحكاوى قاعدة بتتحكى
تخطف روحى فى لحظة شهيق
كلمات و ناس لافين على
شايفاك سراب اَخر الطريق 

راجياك عشان ابدا اعيش 
أشوف باكر لونو كيف
راجياك فى طرف الزقاق
زى زرع راجى الخريف
جواى أمل زى السحاب
و شايفاك حوالى طيف

حاولت أنسى و ما قدرت
حاولت أمشى .. و ما مشيت
حاولت أعمل رايحة منك
لقيتنى لفيت و تانى جيت
غلبتنى دنيا ما فيها انت
وعدتك انسى .. و ما نسيت

رجيناك .. أنا و الصبر
راجينك باكر تعود
 راجينك لو اَخر يوم فى العمر
سألنك ما تمشى و تفوت
بيك يضحك لينا القدر 
بيك كل الأحزان تموت

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sunday, August 18, 2013

One Step in Between ...

Then,
I backed up a little .. !

Before I take my first step in ..
Before I slowly tilt the door knob open ..
Before I even take a quick glance inside ..
I just decided to peacefully back up!

I know I promised you to give it a try ..
I promised you to see how it feels like to be there ..
How it feels like to inhale the fragrance of happiness ..
And exhale the poisoning remaining of previous disappointments ..
I know we had a deal ..
And I cowardly broke it!


I could feel your teary gaze on my back ..
I could barely hear your fading voice call my name , asking me to wait ..
I could sense your hands reaching out to grasp my empty bags ..
and what can someone approaching death pack from life ??
I preferred to walk away silently .. avoiding any explanation ..
And how can I explain something I barely knew ??

And I left ..
Like all the times ..
Like I used to ..
When things aren't going my way ..
Or when I feel they wouldn't go my way ..
When I'm on the edge of loosing ..
When My sorrows almost win me ..
When my tears start to hunt the ones I love ..
And when my tangling mind starts to revolve around them,
Involving them in my own ever lasting battles of disappointment ..

I just left ..
To save the last unspoken word to be said ..
To save your precious tear from falling ..
To save you from the complexity of saying goodbye ..
From forcing your virgin heart to take more than it could ..
And how long will it take being hung over the edge ??

I walked away ..
Without looking back ..
Urging my heart not to break ..
Begging my soul to be strong and heal fast ..
Pleading to my mind to erase you from my memory ..
Hoping time will fly me away ..!

I have so much pain to adapt to ..
I know exactly how hard the battle I got myself in ..
And I know I have to fight it alone, and win ..
Like I used to .. !

Even though it was so inviting to take a peek in ..
But,
I proudly walked away ..
Leaving a piece of me on the floor ..
Between your footsteps ..
And around that door ..
Even though I didn't get in ..
But I sensed how deadly trying was ..
I smelled blood ..
I dreamed of my broken heart pieces scattered everywhere ..
And my danger alarm was on !!

I won't lie and say I will regret this ..
Because I never regret any decision I take ..
I've been there before ..
I know what I'm about to face ..
But believe me baby,
Loosing everything with my dignity cap on is considered a successful deal ..
And with you, seeing how it was going to be,
I wasn't sure of my cap ability to face your changing wind ..
After getting out of a tornado ..
We can not risk loosing the last piece of cloth we have on ..
Even if it was just a cap.
And even if it was for just a summer breeze.





Thursday, August 1, 2013


كنت أعتقد أننا لايمكنْ أن نكتب عَن حَياتنا إلا عندما نشفى منها ..
عندما يمكنْ أن نلمس جراحنا القديمة بقلم دون أن نتألـمْ مرة أخرى ..
عندما نقدر على النَظر خلفنا دون حنين , دون جنونْ , ودون حقد أيضاً ..
أيمكنْ هَذا حقاً .. !
نحنُ لانشفى من ذاكرتنا ..
ولهذا نحن نكتب..
ولهذا نحن نرسم
ولهذا يموت بعضنا أيضاً


أحلام مستغنامى

Monday, June 17, 2013

بلا قيود




الحرية مـؤلـمـة  !!

نـعـم ..

إننا نحارب من أجل حريتنا، نطالب بحقوقنا، نريد أن نكون المالكين الوحيدين لأنفسنا، نفتعل الأخطاء عمداً،

نكسر القواعد، إن الممنوع مرغوب فقط لنثبت لأنفسنا أولاً، ثم للعالم، بأننا نستطيع ..

نعم، نحن أحرار !!

و من فرط تصديقنا للكذبة التى إبتدعناها، نكاد ننسى .. ان الحرية مؤلمة !!

لا شىء أسوأ من قرارات مصيرية نتخذها وحدنا، و نبقى ما تبقى من عمرنا إما نأكل أصابع الندم أو نذبل فى عتمة إنتظار نتائجها، التى قد لا تجىء أبداً.

لا نتحمل أن تغلق علينا أبواب سجن، و لو كان قصراً من الذهب و الجواهر تحفه الحسان من كل ناحية، فكم من امير عثمانى ساقه قدره لأن يقضى أجله بين حوائط من الرخام و الترف الباذخ فقط لأنه لم يكن محظوظاً بما يكفى ليكون الإبن البكر، و قلة ممن حالفهم الحظ بموت أشقائهم الجاليسن على العرش و تتويجهم ملوكاً بعدهم، بعد أن أذهب الحجز بعقولهم و سيطر عليهم حب الإنتقام من سجانيهم بإقامة المذابح الجماعية، و لم ينسوا خليلات الوحدة فكان أن قضوا عليهن أولاً.

أليس من الغريب أن نرفض الذل و الأوامر من أى كان، و نرضى لأنفسنا إستعباد شخص واحد يسن علينا قوانينه و طرقه المعوجة بكل ما عاشه من عقد و حقد، و ترانا نتخذها منهجاً لنا طائعين ؟؟

أليس مضحكاً أن نسسى عدم إكتراثنا سواء كنا على حق أم لا ما دمنا مرتاحين، و لكن نترك لهم القرار الحاسم فى النهاية، حتى على تفاصيل حياتنا الصغيرة التى لطالما كانت تمثلنا ؟؟

كم نحب حريتنا فى أن نختار متى و أين و كيف نظهر أو نختفى فى حياة أحدهم، كم نفخر بقدرتنا على اللجوء لمخبئنا ذاك الاَمن حين تضيق علينا حدقات الحياة، فلا نعبأ بشىء أو شخص يقاطع خلوتنا، و لكن نظل نتشبث بكل ثانية يتكرمون بها علينا لنراهم فيها أو تضج هواتفنا بأصوات طالما فقدناها .. يجن جنوننا أن مر يوم بلاهم !!

الأمر كما لو أننا نقر بسرية تامة أن نحطم كل القوانين التى وضعناها، بأن نعبر كل الحوائط القولاذية التى قضينا عمرنا فى تشييدها، و أن نتناسى كل ما كنا نحارب من أجله و من أجل بقاءه، فقط و بكل هدوء نقرر تسليمهم كل شىء، لهم لجام القيادة، و نجلس بسعادة فى المقاعد الخلفية لحياتنا ممنين أنفسنا بزيارة أماكن لم تمر على خارطة أحلامنا، مسلمين لخياراتهم راضين بان نكون تحت رحمتهم .. 

الاَن، بعد كل تلك الخطابات و المقالات عن الحرية، اننا نتوق لأن يتم إمتلاكنا، لأن نختطف .. 

تحت إسم الحب .... !!



إذاً، الحب نوع من العبودية، بل من أسوأ أنواعها، ذلك الذى تنجر إليه طائعاً مختاراً ..

غير متوقع، لا يمكن التنبوء به، فقط تفتح عينيك لتجد نفسك فى خضم معركة لم تبحث عنها، تلك المعركة التى تبذل اقصى جهدك لتخسرها، أنت لا تمانع الخسارة، فى الحقيقة انت لا تملك الخيار، لا تمانع أن ينهزم 

عقلك للمرة الأولى، و قد تكون الأخيرة، فقط من أجل غازى يحتل قلبك .. و لو !!
و تنقلب عليك دعاوى الحرية، كحاكم عربى ثار عليه شعبه، تبدأ بتجرع كؤوس الإستعباد، تتعلم لغة الإنتظار، و ترقب هاتف لا يرن، تتقبل قيودك الخفية التى تكبلك،برغم الشعارات الخادعة بأنه لا قيود فى الحب، تضحى بسعادة كنت تموت من أجلها، فقط لتمنع دموعهم، لتراهم أمنين مطمئنين فى زمن أصبح الأمن فيه قمة السعادة.

لا قيود ؟ 
أكاذيب أطلقوها و ساعدتهم فى نشرها قبل تصديقها، أظننت بأن طلبك لعدم وجود أى إلتزامات سيضمن أخر ما تبقى من حريتك ؟ كيف عساك تكون حراً و أنت تجوب ممرات سجنك هياماً.







Heidi Newfield - Johnny And June


Saturday, June 1, 2013

Different ?!!



Back again,
They say I'm different..
And to them,
I might be different. .
I look different, 
I dress different, 
I walk different,  
I eat different and I even think different .. !!

But to me, 
even though I feel I'm changed,  
a little bit of change, 
but as long as you are still in the same place
Where you are capturing my heart and busying my mind, 
Where I still beg for relief,  
Beg for mercy, 
Then I cannot say but everything is the same .. !!

And although I sometimes feel like I'm fed up from all of these, 
I'm even fed up from your usual existences while you are not actually there, 
But still,  
I want you to remain this way, 
I don't mind the routine of your memory ..
It's the only thing I have left from you,
I rather cry you daily than being alone one night without you.. !!

Different is being called ugly,
When you're surrounded by fake beauty..
Different is being called a freak,
When you're around people infected with sameness..
Different is when you're a loser,
In a world of cheaters..
Different is wearing a cape of darkness..
In a room full of dark color, and light..
Different is hating love,
When the rest of the world cherishes it..
Different is choosing pain over joy,
In the space of optimism..
Different is what I've become,
As I rebel against the world.. !!

Yes, 
I'm different, 
Disappointingly different,  
But I enjoy being this way,  
As long as your ghost is around me !!

Friday, May 10, 2013

A Broken Soundtrack


Lately,  I've been impatient, counting every second in every hour every day. 
Lately, I've been in a phase of disappointment,  where nothing matters .. nothing.  
Lately, I Woke up from a dream that I was not dreaming,  to face a world that I don't believe in. 
I've lost the reason why I'm here, and I'm so tired of searching.  I've got fed up of sleeping if waking up meant being in the same cycle, with no return.

And lately,  I've lost faith, lost faith in everything .. and everyone,  including myself. 
I realized it takes more than me to get what I need, its over my power to make myself happy .. as I thought I can.  

Lately,  I discovered not only that I was mistaken in every choice I made and I regret them all, but also that I only chose them because I had the option .. and ever since, I hated having the option. 

Lately, living in the same routine cycle made me realize that I don't want to go back,  and I'm scared of what is coming because I don't know what to expect. 

Lately,  I finally started to love the number 2, as I became sure it will always represent me, even if out of 2.

And lately, I've stopped believing in promises, in future .. and of course I lost all of my existing hope.
I gave up trying to get over him, in fact, I admit that I failed,  I failed to get him back as much as I Failed to move on. 

And I felt lonely, for the first time .. I'm alone .. surrounding with people, the wrong ones ..

Lately, I've changed a lot .. I don't laugh on what usually makes me happy, I don't cry on what usually hurts me .. I've become very shallow socially and I think that none deserves to get into my head ..

Lately, things have became clearer .. and I've chosen the path which I'm going to take .. the correct decision I hope!!


Saturday, April 6, 2013

Again !

Just like that,
After all of this time,
After all of these rules,
After all of the resistance,
The fights,
Eventually,
It's happening again .. !!

I loved again,
I'm crying again,
I feel pain again,
I don't know when or how,
But I knew when it was over,
I felt my heart break once again,
I've been fooled one more time,
After I thought I wont,
After I stopped believing,
After I stopped dreaming,
After I stopped breathing,
It's happening again .. !!

I made someone special .. Again,
Another man ruled in my life,
Again ..
And I agreed to be postponed,
To be the one on his waiting list,
And I don't even have a list,
And his list kept going bigger and bigger ..
Longer and longer ..
With me going farther and farther,
Again and again .. !!

I feel sick ..
My legs can barely hold me,
But I've got to stand up,
Even higher than before,
I have to fake that I'm alive,
Alive without a soul,
I've to face the world
One more time .. Again ..!!

I hate myself,
I hate him more,
I hate crying under the shower,
Again ..
I hate this world,
A big wide bad cruel world,
A world where our dreams never ever come true,
A world where we have to fake our smiles,
Fake our inhales,
Force our exhales,
Where we have to remind our hearts to beat,
And force our minds to shut up,
And hide our tears ..

A world where you change yourself to please some people,
People who will never care to please you,
People who will keep you crying,
They will leave you bleeding,
They will step over you,
They will keep you waiting,
And waiting ..
Hoping,
And hoping ..
But they will never call ..
But they will never come back ..
And you will get it ..
Finally you will understand ..
When it's too late !!

Apparently,
I will never get up on my knees,
One after the other I receive my beats,
And I keep falling,
Falling ..
Falling ..
Until there's no escape,
I will be trapped here forever
Back to here again .. !!

Just yesterday I convinced myself to give him another chance,
A chance he didn't even ask for,
A chance he doesn't even deserve,
I'm dying within,
I'm bleeding in silent,
It was not just a sun or a moon signs ..
I regret ..
I hate ..
I surrender ..
Once again .. !!

I don't belong here ..
I'm leaving,
I will leave,
I need to leave,
I need to forget about him,
About them all,
Everyone here,
Including myself,
Everyone will be erased from my memory,
My bad old hectic memory,
And he won't be there .. !!

I mean,
He was the reason why I postponed my everything,
I decided to wait,
I waited ..
And waited ..
But he kept getting far,
FAR AWAY !

Again ..
I'm just siting on my same desk,
On my same old laptop,
Weeping ,,
And making decisions,
Making plans,
Plans that both me,
And my laptop,
know it will only take place,
Between us,
In my head,
And my posts ..
Once again .. !!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Broken Promises !


“If we can have different lives, with other chances, he would be my choice, for eternity”.
That’s what I’ve been saying every time my heart ached for him, every time I felt regret. Maybe it’s just an excuse for me, but anyway it made me feel better at that time. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, or even posting it on my blog, I just needed to share.  He’s been my secret for a long time now, although few people knew the story, but no one ever knew it all. I wish if one day he could be something more than few words I scratch on my desk, or few letters in my passwords. But, nothing ever comes the way we want. He isn’t the best or the most handsome guy ever, but for me, and for everyone in my college, he is. He was my ideal version of men, and to be honest, everyone I ever knew after him, is someway a copy from him, but somehow a better copy that my parents would accept. He suddenly crashed into my life. I never knew him, but he knew me very well. I still remember the first time we been together –accidentally- as everyone wanted to hook us up, and I never knew why him, especially him, but later on I knew. I was so confused, just looking around, looking for something, or maybe someone to get me out of this, to get me away from him, and he was just staring at me. How weird is that ! I tried to speak, tried to make a conversation to get us out of this embarrassing situation, or so I thought. But he was faster than me, guess he read my mind, probably did like he always used to do. Oh, how smart he was, and how stupid I am. I turned my head towards him, and started to speak, I opened my mouth, when he said it “I love you”, and my mouth kept open, but not for the purpose of talking then. He said he always have, and never knew if he would get a chance to say it, he wasn't sure if we will be together ever again, or if this date will last for few more seconds, he just had to feel relief, he had to say it. I don’t know why, but I hated him for doing so. I never wanted to get that intimate to someone I never knew. He studied with me at the very same class for almost 3 years, and I never knew him before. He was just a figure for me, someone that I would pass without even glancing over or saying hi, I don’t even remember if I ever shock hands with him before, I probably did, but I can’t remember. He didn't hate the fact that I didn't know him, it was better for him than when I ignored him. Poor him, he always had to deal with my moody life, he never complained, and never said a word. He knew for me he is always a second chance, and he knew that he’s lucky to even have this chance. I wasn't that kind of mean bad girls, as eventually it turned out I’m definitely one. I was just trying to be wise, I couldn't start a dead relationship, something that I know will never last longer than my final graduation day. He was a perfect soul-mate for me, I admit it, but will never reach that point to convince my parents to agree on him, he would never be my husband, and that phrase killed both of us, just I died silently. He told me I’m all that he has, I’m almost his everything, he refused to change his college though he never liked it only because he will lose seeing my ugly sight everyday. He did a lot for me, really A LOT, but I never did him anything in return. Well, if a broken heart and misery life counts, then I've done him even more than he deserves.
I remember that dark windy night at our 4’Th year camp, it was windy and dusty in an unbearable way, but was more than perfect for all of us. It was after midnight, and you could see only a dark figures spread here and there, even the teachers had to go inside and squeeze themselves in that very little and only room the boys camp has, which gave us more freedom than we needed. Under that huge baobab tree we sat, me covering my eyes to protect them from the dust, and him holding his stick that he wanted to defend the whole camp with when the ghost woman arrive – we were silly too-. I can’t even remember what we've been saying, but all I was trying to do is to tell him to stay away from that girl, everyone knew she wants him, even her boyfriend did, and that intimate increasing between them made me go nuts. He kept saying she’s just his best friend, and I asked him to hold a note of that, as no one could guess after seeing them together. We were almost fighting; we were always fighting, him trying to solve everything, and me searching for a new drama to torture him. There we saw someone coming towards us, from his white dress –Jalabya- we knew he’s a teacher, and we thought “Damn, we’re dead”. Just trying to make a space between us and continue on an innocent talk, when he stopped right in front of us. I was so scared and hated when teachers see me hanging around with guys, even if friends like, I didn't want them to think bad of me, bad of the Forests King granddaughter, and we thought we were in trouble. Then, we were almost dying when he started to talk; he said he knew a lot of couples in our batch, but never imagined one as beautiful as we are. Damn, he said we’re the only true ones, and he will be glad to be the first to congratulate us in our -to be- home. I couldn't but to watch his face during this speech, he wasn't happy, and I wasn't too. That teacher’s talk only opened a bleeding door we tried to keep shut during our entire relation. All that he said after the teacher left was “Inshalah”, and a silent “I wish” was me. We knew how impossible this is, I built those walls. If I was correct, that was our last night together, as a couple. I couldn't sleep that night, I always felt these heavy rocks on my chest every time I thought of him, or remembered the teacher’s speech. No one knew I was crying the whole night, and no one even knew he was too, but I could figure it out, seeing him the next day with swollen red eyes just like mine explained it all. I couldn't through him a “Good morning” while I passed him to the bus that day, not only cause I was so in pain, but also cause he avoided looking at me the whole day. I was the first to be on the girls bus that day, well, there’s few benefits in staying awake all night. As the bus moved, I did as I usually do, putting my earphones on, and living on my own world away from girls noise and slutty laughs. But, all that my mobile brought were songs that told my true feeling, like it knew how I feel, and how much I tried to avoid this. I couldn’t hold myself when a song came talking about being far, and I just remembered, next year at this very same time, we will be so far. We may never ever lay eyes on each other’s again, I will never ask again, and he will never find a way to contact me again. Even if it was possible, it will be better to leave it all buried deep inside. Luckily I was wearing my huge sunglasses and covering my face with my scarf, no one there could see my tears, and feeling this made me weep a little harder. I kept looking at him every second that day, he wasn’t in my eye sight at all, I just wanted to run over and tell him I’m sorry, and I will never let you down, but like karma knew, I would never say this, and he doesn’t need any more promises that will be broken soon. I got him a ring as a gift. No one liked me doing so, his best friend always thought that I’m the one who’s running after him, because no one knew I’m just trying to make it up for him.I can’t look him direct in the eyes, I never could, even at those intimate moments we had together, maybe because I was afraid he will read fear and lying beneath them, maybe because he would know how much a good actress I’m, acting happy and everything while I was dying inside. I couldn’t look into his eyes without seeing the day we’re apart. That’s was when I decided I would make a move. If we’re going to suffer anyway, then let’s make it quick. It’s better to suffer now, than then when we’re starting our new lives, when life give us birth again, it would be so hard then to start building a life along with building a soul and a heart. I just buried my heart and did it. I broke up with him .I chose a perfect time, and he knew it coming. I can’t go back into those days when he was begging me to answer, or to give an excuse, I knew I was killing him, but I’ve killed myself before. All I cared about was how will I face him again?? We will have few months together before graduation, how will I explain this to him, or even worst, to the others??Lots of questions I had no answer to, hoping that I will find them at that very moment I get the questions. But he was smarter, didn’t I tell you that? He ignored me, and got a girlfriend. He didn't want everyone to put their blames on me for breaking his angel heart, I know, lots of girls envied me for having him. I did too sometimes. He chose to have people’s fingers pointing him and calling him cheater, he chose to be the guilty one. Again, he did a lot for me, and I did more in return. I liked the idea, it saved me from a lot of bad situations I would be in, so, I carried on the act and played on. I kept seeing him glancing over me everytime he’s with that –girlfriend- he has, it was only me and him who knew the truth.
Dear YOU, I have a lot to say about you, and for you, I have a lot of apologies to say, would a billion sorry be enough to make it up? I’m ready to give you more. But what for ? I can’t say sorry for something I know I can’t fix, and even though, I can never maintain. It’s better to leave this slash open now, as sooner it will heal, I’m letting you to heal, I won’t hurt you again, I will be so far away. We are like a one soul that been split to 2, and never destined to be one again, will be roaming the universe, and even if we met, we can’t get together ever again. Allah knows how much I will be missing you, and how much I will always think about you, I know you will do too. It’s enough for me to see you everyday, in my dreams, and day dreams as well. I will always carry the regret of breaking your heart, my dearest heart, that none of us will forgive me for doing. I wish you the best life, that very good life, as it will defiantly be, away from me. You will never get to read these lines I've wrote about you, and I know no one knows you will, no one will ever tell you. But if, if life was fair for once and you got to these lines, somehow, I want you to know, I will always love you.


Saturday, March 30, 2013

Between Me & Myself (2)

The sad violin plays my favorite heart break ..
Bringing old memories of unfinished smiles ..
Memories that I cannot take ..
Back to that fatal journey ..
To his deep eyes ..
And I remember his paintings of happiness ..
I know my words are not on his mind ..
I'm not his favorite kind ..

Between Me & Myself ..



I knew I will never change ..
But I wanted him to stay ..
I knew that my loneliness surroundings scared him ..
I was the one who created that space between us ..
Asking him to keep it ..
But,
Between Me and Myself ..
I was hoping that he break it ..
Setting my heart free ..
Instead he enlarged it ..
Locking me in even more !!

I've always wished if he could see the old me ..
Wondering if she will get his attention ..
Just a desperate try ..
But,
Between Me and Myself,
I'm relieved that he didn't ..
Accepting his rejection to the real me would be harder,
Than it is to another trial !!

I've always hated to sit by the phone waiting ..
And it never rang ..
I've always hated to say goodbye to those going to the Gulf,
Knowing deep inside that they will never return ..
Never will they come back ..
To me at least .. !!
I've always hated to express my feelings ..
Or to have any kind of intimate relations with others ..
But,
Between Me and Myself,
I've done all of these for him ..
Hoping that he is different ..
And that he deserves .. !!

Between Me and Myself,
I've walked a thousand miles of dreams ..
With him ..
And took my way back alone ..





Between Me & Myself (1)


I've always loved dark clouds ..
Cold stormy weathers ..
And empty towns ..
But,
Between Me and Myself,
You made me curious about rainbows ..
And how it feels like to be in a summer festival ..
Or wear colorful hopes over my soul .. !!


I've always been a silent person ..
Found company in myself .. 
And enjoyed being alone ..
Loneliness makes your tears taste saltier ..
And your sins seem deadly ..
But,
Between Me and Myself,
I started to find company in you ..
Like I'm alone .. 
But better alone ..
Like I'm having a discussion with a better me
And I enjoyed the "Better me" talks .. !!

I've always been impatient ..
But you turned me to a waiter ..
I've always been a day dreamer ..
And you made me wake up ..
To turn my day to dreams ..
But,
Between me and myself,
You were my only dream,
That actually came true ,, .. !!

Friday, March 29, 2013

Ms. Wrong VS Ms. Right

Everyone was wondering,
How can 2 people with the same blood,
Same flesh,
Living in the same house,
2 who never ever separate,
How can they be so much different,
So much opposite ?!

How can we always be together,
When she is Ms. Wrong
And as far as they think,
I'm Ms. Right ?

They always asked me to talk her out of troubles,
To guide her way,
To tell her make me your role model,
And least they knew,
She was the one I used to look up to !

I was so astonished by her boldness, 
She always break rules,
Break windows,
Break hearts,
Break promises,
But,
She always get what she wants, 
Eventually !

She knew how to deal with everything,
With everyone,
I always envied her luck,
Always she knows how to get herself out of trouble,
And gets me out of it too,
Yeah believe,
Mrs. Wrong gets Mrs. Right out of her terrible mistakes,
Over and over again !

Who said I'm Ms. Right ?
Who said I don't do anything wrong ?
In fact, 
I don't do anything if its not wrong !

I failed every little test life gave me,
When she -of course- passed,
I fell for Mr. Wrong,
While she got many Mr. Rights,
Looking at it from my point of view,
At the end of the day,
She always sleep peacefully,
And I wet my pillow crying !

They wondered how can my strong good character affect her ?
How can she resist my white heart and pure soul ?
Only if they knew,
The strong magic is with who.
Who forms the light and creates peace,
Which one of us got to lead ! 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

With Heathcliff's Ghost !


“I have to remind myself to breathe -- almost to remind my heart to beat!”

“It is hard to forgive, and to look at those eyes, and feel those wasted hands,' he answered. 'Kiss me again; and don’t let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer—but yours! How can I?” 

“May you not rest as long as I am living. You said I killed you--haunt me then. The murdered do haunt their murderers. I believe--I know that ghosts have wandered the earth. Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad. Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!” 

“I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.” 

“I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him.” 

“You teach me now how cruel you've been - cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they'll blight you - they'll damn you. You loved me - what right had you to leave me? What right - answer me - for the poor fancy you felt for him? Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will did it. I have no broken your heart - you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you - Oh, God! would you like to lie with your soul in the grave?” 

"Why, she's a liar to the end! Where is she? Not there—not in heaven—not perished—where? Oh! you said you cared nothing for my sufferings! And I pray one prayer—I repeat it till my tongue stiffens—May she wake in torment!"

“If you ever looked at me once with what I know is in you, I would be your slave.” 

“My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Healthcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.”

“I'm wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart; but really with it, and in it.” 

“A person who has not done one half his day's work by ten o'clock, runs a chance of leaving the other half undone.” 

"They DO live more in earnest, more in themselves, and less in surface, change, and frivolous external things. I could fancy a love for life here almost possible; and I was a fixed unbeliever in any love of a year's standing."

"It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire."