“If we can have different lives, with other chances, he would be
my choice, for eternity”.
That’s what I’ve been saying every time my heart ached for him,
every time I felt regret. Maybe it’s just an excuse for me, but anyway it made
me feel better at that time. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, or even
posting it on my blog, I just needed to share. He’s been my secret for a long time now,
although few people knew the story, but no one ever knew it all. I wish if one
day he could be something more than few words I scratch on my desk, or few
letters in my passwords. But, nothing ever comes the way we want. He isn’t the
best or the most handsome guy ever, but for me, and for everyone in my college,
he is. He was my ideal version of men, and to be honest, everyone I
ever knew after him, is someway a copy from him, but somehow a better copy that
my parents would accept. He suddenly crashed into my life. I never knew him,
but he knew me very well. I still remember the first time we been together
–accidentally- as everyone wanted to hook us up, and I never knew why him,
especially him, but later on I knew. I was so confused, just looking around,
looking for something, or maybe someone to get me out of this, to get me away
from him, and he was just staring at me. How weird is that ! I tried to speak,
tried to make a conversation to get us out of this embarrassing situation, or
so I thought. But he was faster than me, guess he read my mind, probably did
like he always used to do. Oh, how smart he was, and how stupid I am. I turned
my head towards him, and started to speak, I opened my mouth, when he said it “I
love you”, and my mouth kept open, but not for the purpose of talking then. He
said he always have, and never knew if he would get a chance to say it,
he wasn't sure if we will be together ever again, or if this date
will last for few more seconds, he just had to feel relief, he had to say it. I
don’t know why, but I hated him for doing so. I never wanted to get that
intimate to someone I never knew. He studied with me at the very same class for
almost 3 years, and I never knew him before. He was just a figure for me,
someone that I would pass without even glancing over or saying hi, I don’t even
remember if I ever shock hands with him before, I probably did, but I can’t
remember. He didn't hate the fact that I didn't know him,
it was better for him than when I ignored him. Poor him, he always had to deal
with my moody life, he never complained, and never said a word. He knew for me
he is always a second chance, and he knew that he’s lucky to even have this
chance. I wasn't that kind of mean bad girls, as eventually it turned
out I’m definitely one. I was just trying to be wise,
I couldn't start a dead relationship, something that I know will
never last longer than my final graduation day. He was a
perfect soul-mate for me, I admit it, but will never reach that point
to convince my parents to agree on him, he would never be my husband, and that
phrase killed both of us, just I died silently. He told me I’m all that he has,
I’m almost his everything, he refused to change his college though he never
liked it only because he will lose seeing my ugly sight everyday. He did a lot
for me, really A LOT, but I never did him anything in return. Well, if a broken
heart and misery life counts, then I've done him even more than he
deserves.
I remember that dark windy night at our 4’Th year camp, it was
windy and dusty in an unbearable way, but was more than perfect for all of us.
It was after midnight, and you could see only a dark figures spread here and
there, even the teachers had to go inside and squeeze themselves in that very
little and only room the boys camp has, which gave us more freedom than we
needed. Under that huge baobab tree we sat, me covering my eyes to protect them
from the dust, and him holding his stick that he wanted to defend the whole
camp with when the ghost woman arrive – we were silly too-. I can’t even
remember what we've been saying, but all I was trying to do is to
tell him to stay away from that girl, everyone knew she wants him, even her
boyfriend did, and that intimate increasing between them made me go nuts. He
kept saying she’s just his best friend, and I asked him to hold a note of that,
as no one could guess after seeing them together. We were almost fighting; we
were always fighting, him trying to solve everything, and me searching for a
new drama to torture him. There we saw someone coming towards us, from his
white dress –Jalabya- we knew he’s a teacher, and we thought “Damn, we’re
dead”. Just trying to make a space between us and continue on an innocent talk,
when he stopped right in front of us. I was so scared and hated when
teachers see me hanging around with guys, even if friends like,
I didn't want them to think bad of me, bad of the Forests King
granddaughter, and we thought we were in trouble. Then, we were almost dying
when he started to talk; he said he knew a lot of couples in our batch, but
never imagined one as beautiful as we are. Damn, he said we’re the only true
ones, and he will be glad to be the first to congratulate us in our -to be-
home. I couldn't but to watch his face during this speech,
he wasn't happy, and I wasn't too. That teacher’s talk only
opened a bleeding door we tried to keep shut during our entire relation. All
that he said after the teacher left was “Inshalah”, and a silent “I wish” was
me. We knew how impossible this is, I built those walls. If I was correct, that
was our last night together, as a couple. I couldn't sleep that
night, I always felt these heavy rocks on my chest every time I thought of him,
or remembered the teacher’s speech. No one knew I was crying the whole night,
and no one even knew he was too, but I could figure it out, seeing him the next
day with swollen red eyes just like mine explained it all.
I couldn't through him a “Good morning” while I passed him to the bus
that day, not only cause I was so in pain, but also cause he avoided looking at
me the whole day. I was the first to be on the girls bus that day, well,
there’s few benefits in staying awake all night. As the bus moved, I did as I
usually do, putting my earphones on, and living on my own world away from girls
noise and slutty laughs. But, all that my mobile brought were songs that told
my true feeling, like it knew how I feel, and how much I tried to avoid this. I
couldn’t hold myself when a song came talking about being far, and I just
remembered, next year at this very same time, we will be so far. We may never
ever lay eyes on each other’s again, I will never ask again, and he will never
find a way to contact me again. Even if it was possible, it will be better to
leave it all buried deep inside. Luckily I was wearing my huge sunglasses and
covering my face with my scarf, no one there could see my tears, and feeling
this made me weep a little harder. I kept looking at him every second that day,
he wasn’t in my eye sight at all, I just wanted to run over and tell him I’m
sorry, and I will never let you down, but like karma knew, I would never say
this, and he doesn’t need any more promises that will be broken soon. I got him
a ring as a gift. No one liked me doing so, his best friend always thought that
I’m the one who’s running after him, because no one knew I’m just trying to
make it up for him.I can’t look him direct in the eyes, I never could, even at
those intimate moments we had together, maybe because I was afraid he will read
fear and lying beneath them, maybe because he would know how much a good
actress I’m, acting happy and everything while I was dying inside. I couldn’t
look into his eyes without seeing the day we’re apart. That’s was when I
decided I would make a move. If we’re going to suffer anyway, then let’s make
it quick. It’s better to suffer now, than then when we’re starting our new
lives, when life give us birth again, it would be so hard then to start
building a life along with building a soul and a heart. I just buried my heart
and did it. I broke up with him .I chose a perfect time, and he knew it coming.
I can’t go back into those days when he was begging me to answer, or to give an
excuse, I knew I was killing him, but I’ve killed myself before. All I cared
about was how will I face him again?? We will have few months together before
graduation, how will I explain this to him, or even worst, to the others??Lots
of questions I had no answer to, hoping that I will find them at that very
moment I get the questions. But he was smarter, didn’t I tell you that? He
ignored me, and got a girlfriend. He didn't want everyone to put their blames
on me for breaking his angel heart, I know, lots of girls envied me for having
him. I did too sometimes. He chose to have people’s fingers pointing him and
calling him cheater, he chose to be the guilty one. Again, he did a lot for me,
and I did more in return. I liked the idea, it saved me from a lot of bad
situations I would be in, so, I carried on the act and played on. I kept seeing
him glancing over me everytime he’s with that –girlfriend- he has, it was only
me and him who knew the truth.
Dear YOU, I have a lot to say about you, and for you, I have a lot
of apologies to say, would a billion sorry be enough to make it up? I’m ready
to give you more. But what for ? I can’t say sorry for something I know I can’t
fix, and even though, I can never maintain. It’s better to leave this slash
open now, as sooner it will heal, I’m letting you to heal, I won’t hurt you
again, I will be so far away. We are like a one soul that been split to 2, and
never destined to be one again, will be roaming the universe, and even if we
met, we can’t get together ever again. Allah knows how much I will be missing
you, and how much I will always think about you, I know you will do too. It’s
enough for me to see you everyday, in my dreams, and day dreams as well. I will
always carry the regret of breaking your heart, my dearest heart, that none of
us will forgive me for doing. I wish you the best life, that very good life, as
it will defiantly be, away from me. You will never get to read these lines I've wrote about you, and I know no one knows you will, no one will ever tell you.
But if, if life was fair for once and you got to these lines, somehow, I want
you to know, I will always love you.
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