It was his turn !

We all get disappointed, 
life is made of disappointments, 
we don’t have any control over, but we definitely can control whether we want to be the disappointer or not, we always have the option here.
In my case, I knew I don’t want to do this, a deep voice inside of me kept screaming “NO, STOP”, but I wanted to try that out, I wanted to taste how it feels like, how it looks like to be there … 
I admit, I was truly selfish. I only had one hope, one excuse to relay on, he can fix me, that he can magically make all of these solid ancient walls just vanish, and somehow, he could!
I wasn’t the one to get into a relationship, I stopped believing in them long time ago … I happened to believe that I’m strong, strong enough to do it my own, and for a while I was, I can say that I used to be.
Then the momentum was gone, I needed a hand, a shoulder to lean on, I needed a voice to lie on me saying that things will be fine, they will be okay, until I fall asleep.
And there he was, standing among the crowd, he used to think he is lucky that I picked him up out of the line, but he didn’t know that it was only because it was his turn, he was next. I used the fact that he was attached to me, long ago, that he fell for me long ago, I used that to skip the beginners steps, I didn’t want anyone to get to know, I did not need someone to fall for gradually, simply because that wasn’t going to happen, I believed so. I was so hungry that I didn’t want to bake my perfect favorite meal, I just wanted a freshly made piece of cake, right out of the oven.
For a while, that was fun, we both were happy to fulfill what we wanted –in my case-, and dreamed of –in his case-, I used him, I truly did. And when things started getting more serious, much much serious, I panicked, I had to slip away.
It wasn’t his fault, but I was afraid, I was afraid of being in love with him, I had a a panic attack when I realized I’m getting attached to him, day by day I started to fall for him , I loved his voice, I couldn’t stand not hearing him talking all day, and listening to his crazy talks all night … He started to become a part of my future fantasies, his dreams suddenly were mixed with mines, his ambitions were climbing my wall, and his love was taking a hold of me.
I panicked, because I couldn’t understand that I’m there, I’ve found my one, he wasn’t my one I knew, after all of these, something about him made me question us. His madness about me was scaring me more, he was totally a control freak who wanted everything to go as he plan for, and for me, a selfish independent leo woman, this could not happen.
The good thing about this was how I ended it, not by just silently walking away as I did with others, but I bravely faced him, and simply explained why I want to be out of this. He was amazing, even in the way he reacted to my request, he simply responded that he understands he’s not the one, because unless, I would love to be controlled by him, and would simply obey whatever he decide.
And he didn’t know that the stronger love gets into me, the more I rebel.


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