Throughout A Life

Sleepless .. anxious .. scared .. Last night, it happened again! Counting stars .. Nightmares haunting me .. or were they a reality ?? Overpowered by my dark thoughts .. Synced with fears .. Aligned with my loneliness .. And rooted with his tears. Waking up to an empty place .. Where no one knows me .. Lonely .. Nurturing on a memory .. Losing sense of time .. Unaware how far to go. Secrets ? Feel like slowly dying .. Letting it wash me over .. Unsteady on my own feet .. Revealing my heart's mystery .. Breathing .. Inhaling and forgetting to exhale .. My blood is freezing .. Healing ? It’s a bit terrifying .. Could replace pain instantly.  

Where would we be without tomorrows? What we’d have instead are todays. And if that was the case, with you, I’d hope for the longest day for today.  I’d fill today with you, doing everything I’ve ever loved. I’d laugh, I’d talk, I’d listen and learn, I’d love, I’d love, I’d love. I’d make every day today and spend them all with you, and I’d never worry about tomorrow, when I wouldn’t be with you. And when that dreaded tomorrow comes for us, please know that I didn’t want to leave you, or be left behind... that every single moment spent with you were the best times in my life. ― Cecelia Ahern , How to Fall in Love

I know I have promised you to never say this, Actually, I promised you to never even feel it, Or feel the need to say it .. But now, After all I've been through .. I just can't, I can't hold it in anymore .. I miss you .. !! My mornings miss you the most .. My morning hibiscus tea miss you too .. The tea lady .. or as you call her "Mama tea" .. Our corner, Our tree, The small benches, The street, and our whole neighborhood .. They all miss you .. They all miss us, And I do too .. !! March. 2015

Dear lady, Just for the record,  while you are waiting for him to recognize your existence in his life by simply doing any sort of contact with you whenever he has any spare time to give, please note that he is actually dedicating his full time to another woman. Dear another woman, while you are enjoying his full attention and bragging to your friends how he can’t stop pouring himself on you, please note that he’s actually ditching another woman he carelessly replaced by you, a woman who -not so long ago- enjoyed the same privileges you have now.  When he allows you to take a step closer to his world, only then you will start seeing things differently. Will get to see him differently. He’s no longer that man who clings to his phone whispering love words to you, when only you and none else is around. You will get to see him interacting with the world, making decisions, behaving as a human being, and only then, you can say you know a man well. Always be the one who say...

عارف ؟؟ .. أنا برضي ماشة .. و قريب كمان .. زيك ، لكني ما زيك .. ! إستعدادي هادىء ما عنده صوت .. بدون وداع .. ودموع و بدون ووعود .. برااحة براحة .. بلملم حاجاتي .. و بستف فيها .. زيك .. لكني برضي ما زيك ! شنطي ما مليتها هدوم ، و عطور وورق .. أبداً .. مع إنه حاجاتك كتيرة .. بس، أنا شنطي أكبر، و أتقل .. !! ما تستغرب .. وأسألني ليه ! لأنها فيها كل الحاجات الإنت حتخليها وراك .. أيوه .. كل الحاجات الما هاماك .. حأشيلها معاي .. كل الأحاسيس الحلوة، و الأيام .. كل الذكريات البيناتنا .. و الأحلام .. أيوه ! كل الهتش و الكرور دا .. حأشيله معاي .. !! و حأمشي .. زيك ، لكني برضي ما زيك ..  !! حأشيل معاي قصصنا، و كل الكلام .. كل كلامنا عن بكرا ، و بكرا تفتكر جاي ؟ غايتو ، كان جا ولا ما جا .. برضو حأشيلو معاي .. !! هي! و قربت أنسى .. الوعود .. !! حتى لما وعدتني بأنك حتعود .. ما مشكلة لو نسيتها .. حأشيل معاي كل الورود ! و أسماء أولادنا .. وبيتنا الكبير .. كل أماني الفرح .. و أيام زمان .. ش...

Starts with a smile, And ends with a goodbye hand shake ! Usually, It goes like this ! He says he’s leaving .. Leaving soon, Leaving the place where I belong, Leaving  here .. Happily, excitedly, packing, To leave here for good, Forgetting that “here” includes me as well ... !!! He’s planning, A plan for 1, I don’t fit in his plans .. Not in his future .. I wished him luck .. I crossed my fingers for his dreams to come true .. Seeing those teeth behind his sunshine smile worth a lot, Means so much, I'm ready to sacrifice everything to see it,  Even seeing his face every morning .. !!! But, it just stroke me that, Perhaps, perhaps,  His dreams can't stretch to contain 2 .. I told him to fly, High .. and high .. Go fulfill your heart .. Go show them what you’re capable of .. And me, I’ll always cover your back .. I’ll support you, From here .. From this very place that pushed you away, ...

Something is happening .. I can feel it I feel strange, I feel weird .. Heart pumping so fast, A 24 hours wide smile .. I started listening to songs I never imagined liking .. And most of all, I AM HAPPY ! I started to look forward for tomorrow, And many tomorrows to come .. My whole Climate is changed, And it keeps on changing, Day after day .. For no reason, or maybe there’s some .. I can’t tell .. It’s just happening Happening so fast that I stopped counting, I stopped wondering and thinking, I’m just letting it happen .. Despite all the warnings, The voices in my head that telling me to stop.. I just ignore, I paint all those red flags with different colours, And decide to take the risk, to enjoy it as long as it’s here As long as he’s here .. !!! I started to wait by the phone, I wait .. and wait, Then my heart skips a beat, once I see his name on my screen .. then, no matter what plans I have, no matter who I’m with...

It’s the day of mini smiles that warm your heart It’s the day of sweet compliments that make your day counts .. It’s the day when everything makes you grateful, for your own existence .. And theirs .. When you look around, reviewing, and all you can see is  your life opening up Opening so many doors .. But, with life remaining busy and so many other distractions you have to deal with .. You realize, this will never be through .. In fact, everything has just started .. Don’t let the temptations drag you their way .. Don’t go floating alone, away from what really matters .. and who really matters … Their time is now ! Soon, you’ll realize the power of “We”.. When “Our” is dragged between “His” and “Mine” .. Time won’t be your precious property anymore .. When your all valuable moments should be –happily- awarded to them .. You’re so full of enthusiasm, happiness .. Your smile will almost tear up your face … But, you don’t care .. You’ve made it halfway ...

كوب قهوة، هاتف ورقم .. ذكرى وقلم .. ليل حالك ونجوم خبأها الألم.. ضفائر شعر سودانية.. سجاد ، ووسائد مرمية.. و مسحة غبار منسية..  نصف قلب ، و دقائق عابرة .. لقاء نيلان ، و دخان سيجارة مطفية .. ورود ذابلة ، و جريدة مطوية .. و فى وسط كل هذا تحلم هي .. ليست حزينة و قطعاً ، ليست وحيدة فقط ينقصها هو ... !!! قمرها ساطع ، و لكن تحجبه سحب .. صدى الهدوء يكاد يصيبها بالجنون .. لا يهم اين الجميع ، المهم أنهم ذهبوا .. كل ما لديها علبة كبريت صغيرة .. بها قليل من الذكرى ، و الكبرياء .. خربشات على جدران غرفتها بلغات غير مفهومة .. رسومات و دموع .. لا يمكن التعود على شيء فالكل ما يلبث أن يتغير .. حتى الحجارة تتكسر .. و الأضواء يخف بريقها .. و يذهب هو .. !! و عود و أعذار .. كل شئ لديها مؤجل ، و هي تختار .. حياة في قائمة الإنتظار .. أثاث من خشب ، و بيت من طين .. نيل ، و صغار نجوم تائهين ..  باب موارب ، طرقه الحنين .. و خصلات من الشيب ، تغطي الجبين .. حتماً سيعود ، و لو من بعد حين .. 

Dear Jack, I know I’ve been away for a while, a long while actually, and I’m sorry for that. I guess you are wondering where I am, or what I’ve been doing, or maybe you don’t. I’m writing to tell you that I’m fine and I’ve missed you a big time, I missed everything about you, your hazel eyes and your throaty voice. I’ve been somewhere far, somewhere where none can actually be, I needed to be alone, I needed to see no one, including your sweet face. I had to think, to explore, to plan and to decide without someone beside me telling me how to do things and what’s best for me, and I believe I succeeded, I succeeded greatly. Only after I came back that I discovered I’ve made a huge mistake; staying alone and away for such a long time, everything was changed, everyone is different, or maybe I’m the one that changed !  I can hardly recognize anyone around me, including myself. My life has changed, my friends and dear close people too, they started to seem more selfish, greedy, sh...

“ Dear Jack, I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for, all the pain we caused each other, everything I put on you, everything I needed you to be or needed you to say, I’m sorry for that.    I’ll always love you ‘cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I’m grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I’m sending you love. You are my friend to the end. Love, Rose” (Send)

We all want a soulmate. “The One.” Your perfect partner who can read your mind and finish your sentences.  We want fate and fireworks.  But believing in predetermined destiny is limiting.  It leaves little room for adventure and what life may want to give you.  What if The One isn’t who you thought they would be? Love  isn’t always syrupy sweet kisses and walking off into the sunset.  Sometimes the purpose of a soul mate is to tear down your walls, shake you awake, and reveal new parts of yourself. They become a mirror that exposes new dimensions of you, parts that you may relish in or shrink from.  Soul mates give you the opportunity to notice personal obstacles.   And then actually do something about them. They can force you to your own leading edge.  To grow.  Expand.  Develop. But all that emotional fever does not guarantee that they are your life partner.  Often rive...