Today, after all that has been happening .. I just felt like writing .. Finally, I had that same old feeling which usually led me to my notebook .. I don't know what to write about or where to start .. I don't even know where or how this supposed to end like .. But I just feel like writing .. I just felt like lighting my favorite orange light that suits my writing mood .. and now, I need to let it all out .. !
At some point, looking around, I already know why it been a while since I last talked about how I really feel .. papers used to be my only listener, or let's just say the only thing I ever trust with my thoughts and feelings .. But recently, I've had sooooo much going on, that made me think I need someone to answer my confused questions, someone just to take my hand and tell me to jump over the fence, my own imaginary fence, the one that keeps me away, talking to my papers .. and only papers, wishing if they could tell me to jump, or to wipe that tear .. But, I never seem to find that person or thing that can make me talk to them as comfort as talking to my papers .. and as safe as crying over my pillow !!
Guess I'm Changed!
Yesterday made me a new person, I don't know how to describe it, you may even not to sense the difference .. But I do .. Its not that very same me, and I don't know if it’s going to be this way forever or just a permanent thing!
And NO! it's not related to anyone, not to any guy in particular .. weird ha? and I'm the one who used to have upside down emotions every time I got a new thing in my life, every poem I wrote used to be about someone really hurt me at some point, or I thought he's the one at another .. NO! this time it isn't .. It has been this way for a long time now .. It has been better now .. I really love this feeling when you don't need anyone to feel special .. or to care about their opinion in everything .. Now, I'm the master of myself, of my decisions .. not like they used to control me or I'm that kind of girl to listen .. But, they do had an effect over my actions sometimes .. and always the crazy ones!!
So ? what seems the problem, having the life that I always dreamed of ? the PERFECT life within my PERFECT family and friends ? Naah! that’s the problem .. none of these is perfect, not at all!! I'm not going to whine about my personal issues here, I know we all do have some .. or A LOT! That’s the fact of relationships anyway.
My problem, and it makes me shiver as I think of it .. I never imagined saying it out loud .. I do know a lot! Funny ha? how come this seems to be the problem ? People complain about REAL issues, and me just whining about KNOWING too much ?? .. I know how awkward it sounds .. But, I do have a problem .. Knowing everything I'm not supposed to know, everyone's little filthy secrets .. I'm not sure if I have a sign or a stamp somewhere on me that says "SPIT IT ALL" .. Or maybe I'm a bad secrets magnet .. who knows! But at this point, it just makes me sick .. not the fact that people tell me everything .. the fact that I can't make a move about it, I just can't and won’t get to fix anything I know .. I can't help those people, and I'm not allowed to tell anyone too .. So, it turns out to really bothering me, causing my nightmares to enlarge and sustain .. The truth is killing me, and watching their suffering getting me more and more into ecstasy .. I'm afraid, I'm a coward .. I know, I'm losing my directions .. I don't even know where's the end or what's my destination .. I really don't need more frustration to add .. Wish if I can tell them that I can't help, though they never expected me to .. But, I feel like its my duty .. I know I can't feed all the hungry people in the world, I can't make it perfectly safe for them .. But, I should try, just try to do something .. to help!!
I don't know how or why I'm even supposed to make it, I don't know what the hell I'm waiting for .. Maybe I'm waiting for these dark clouds to fade, if they would ever do ..!!
I'm not supposed to be telling this, it's just a feeling that hit me .. maybe it's the final exams confusion .. just please, you know nothing :)