Throughout A Life

الحرية مـؤلـمـة  !! نـعـم .. إننا نحارب من أجل حريتنا، نطالب بحقوقنا، نريد أن نكون المالكين الوحيدين لأنفسنا، نفتعل الأخطاء عمداً، نكسر القواعد، إن الممنوع مرغوب فقط لنثبت لأنفسنا أولاً، ثم للعالم، بأننا نستطيع .. نعم، نحن أحرار !! و من فرط تصديقنا للكذبة التى إبتدعناها، نكاد ننسى .. ان الحرية مؤلمة !! لا شىء أسوأ من قرارات مصيرية نتخذها وحدنا، و نبقى ما تبقى من عمرنا إما نأكل أصابع الندم أو نذبل فى عتمة إنتظار نتائجها، التى قد لا تجىء أبداً. لا نتحمل أن تغلق علينا أبواب سجن، و لو كان قصراً من الذهب و الجواهر تحفه الحسان من كل ناحية، فكم من امير عثمانى ساقه قدره لأن يقضى أجله بين حوائط من الرخام و الترف الباذخ فقط لأنه لم يكن محظوظاً بما يكفى ليكون الإبن البكر، و قلة ممن حالفهم الحظ بموت أشقائهم الجاليسن على العرش و تتويجهم ملوكاً بعدهم، بعد أن أذهب الحجز بعقولهم و سيطر عليهم حب الإنتقام من سجانيهم بإقامة المذابح الجماعية، و لم ينسوا خليلات الوحدة فكان أن قضوا عليهن أولاً. أليس من الغريب أن نرفض الذل و الأوامر من أى كان، و نرضى لأنفسنا إستعباد شخ...

Back again, They say I'm different.. And to them, I might be different. . I look different,  I dress different,  I walk different,   I eat different and I even think different .. !! But to me,  even though I feel I'm changed,   a little bit of change,  but as long as you are still in the same place Where you are capturing my heart and busying my mind,  Where I still beg for relief,   Beg for mercy,  Then I cannot say but everything is the same .. !! And although I sometimes feel like I'm fed up from all of these,  I'm even fed up from your usual existences while you are not actually there,  But still,   I want you to remain this way,  I don't mind the routine of your memory .. It's the only thing I have left from you, I rather cry you daily than being alone one night without you.. !! Different is being called ugly, When you're surrounded by fake beauty.. Different is being ...

Lately,  I've been impatient, counting every second in every hour every day.  Lately, I've been in a phase of disappointment,  where nothing matters .. nothing.   Lately, I Woke up from a dream that I was not dreaming,  to face a world that I don't believe in.  I've lost the reason why I'm here, and I'm so tired of searching.  I've got fed up of sleeping if waking up meant being in the same cycle, with no return. And lately,  I've lost faith, lost faith in everything .. and everyone,  including myself.  I realized it takes more than me to get what I need, its over my power to make myself happy .. as I thought I can.   Lately,  I discovered not only that I was mistaken in every choice I made and I regret them all, but also that I only chose them because I had the option .. and ever since, I hated having the option.  Lately, living in the same routine cycle made me realize that I d...

Just like that, After all of this time, After all of these rules, After all of the resistance, The fights, Eventually, It's happening again .. !! I loved again, I'm crying again, I feel pain again, I don't know when or how, But I knew when it was over, I felt my heart break once again, I've been fooled one more time, After I thought I wont, After I stopped believing, After I stopped dreaming, After I stopped breathing, It's happening again .. !! I made someone special .. Again, Another man ruled in my life, Again .. And I agreed to be postponed, To be the one on his waiting list, And I don't even have a list, And his list kept going bigger and bigger .. Longer and longer .. With me going farther and farther, Again and again .. !! I feel sick .. My legs can barely hold me, But I've got to stand up, Even higher than before, I have to fake that I'm alive, Alive without a soul, I've to face the world One more time...

“If we can have different lives, with other chances, he would be my choice, for eternity”. That’s what I’ve been saying every time my heart ached for him, every time I felt regret. Maybe it’s just an excuse for me, but anyway it made me feel better at that time. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, or even posting it on my blog, I just needed to share.  He’s been my secret for a long time now, although few people knew the story, but no one ever knew it all. I wish if one day he could be something more than few words I scratch on my desk, or few letters in my passwords. But, nothing ever comes the way we want. He isn’t the best or the most handsome guy ever, but for me, and for everyone in my college, he is. He was my ideal version of men, and to be honest, everyone I ever knew after him, is someway a copy from him, but somehow a better copy that my parents would accept. He suddenly crashed into my life. I never knew him, but he knew me very well. I still remembe...