Growing Up !

Seasons come and go, leafs fall, and suddenly,
Days slid into years,
And you wake up one day realizing it’s almost too late for you,
Too late to pick up where you left,
And much later to start all over again.

Growing up sucks.

I just turned 23 this week. And believe me, I wish if I can go back in time.

I want to go back to that era when all I cared about was playing in the mud building small houses and unknown figures, having those daily fights with my cousins and wishing if I had a sister to play with whenever they united against me, or those times when we gather around our grandma –may Allah rest her soul in peace and surround her with his mercy- when the electrical power is off so she could tell us her fascinating stories that neither does she nor we get bored of. I just want to hug her one more time and complain about how horrible everything and everyone is changed since she’s left.

Aging is terrible.

By every minute that passes on, new, unexpected truth is being uncovered, very sad realities get revealed as we shockingly open our eyes to new varieties that we have never known before. Varieties of ways people can deceive, can lie, cheat, steal, kill and even laugh and love.

Being older makes you more exposed to facts that you never knew exists.
And that’s why I want to go back in time, I want to freeze my age at that time when everything was fun and all I cared about was knowing who I’m going to play with next.

Now, everything is a mess. People around me are lost in their own gloomy worlds where stars are long gone from their skies and laugher ran away from their air. I don’t see happiness anymore.

I honestly don’t want to know all of these sickening details about people I care about, about people I consider them as family, friends or even worse, as lovers!!

What are their expectations out of me the moment I know the truth?Are they willing to watch how their realities damaged every respect or hope I once held inside for them? Are they expecting me to act to the very cruel way I’m disappointed by their behaviors ? Have they ever considered the long/short term damages they are causing to us, their children and our family? Or maybe they are expecting me to help?

HELP?!

Honestly, I’m the one who needs help here.
Being so much sensitive and caring about others is actually my weakest shittiest point. I do lock these petty feelings inside and wear the icy mask, yes, I’m actually very good in that, very good at pretending that I don’t care and yes I’m ignoring all their troubles away, but in fact, I can’t.. I can’t keep this anymore, I can’t stay calm while watching my dearest family members falling apart, my lovely cousins tortured between their unmerciful parents or uncles. 

This is not Okay. 

This is totally unacceptable.

I can’t help but to observe from behind, just to watch them dirty playing in silence. Learning from their best mistakes, I learned to look after myself first, and then, comes everyone else. Everyone else!