One Thousand Apologies

To all my beloved friends and family,

One thousand apologies,

With only a few days left for 2012, a year so far has been my favorite; I would like to send you a few gratitude words. I’m so thankful to have you all in my life, each and everyone of you, you make me feel blessed. I know my recent behaviors didn’t make me the best friend for most of you, and many of you stated this clearly that I’m changed, unfortunately, to the worst. I don’t ask more often like I used to be, I don’t reply messages and I NEVER call you back, in fact, I don’t call anyone at all –except those a few that I need them urgently to accomplish a task. I give so much promises that I cannot keep and I’m always busy, always busy specially on those special days for some of my special people, I was never there for them, just not available. The relationships I share with others are so sketched and rough. I know this might make you all feel that I don’t care, I know, I’m so sorry, but I do, I do care.

And for that, One thousand apologies.

I didn’t want to be this way. I didn’t mean to.

Reflecting back, it just hit me to realize how many people got into my life this year, so many new friends from all around the world, this makes me happy, but also, so many have made their ways out of my life, so many who used to mean a lot to me, they just walked away, without even a goodbye, and what makes me sad more, I didn’t even notice they are gone, until now.

And for that, One thousand apologies.

I stopped writing, yes, I don’t write no more, I don’t even remember the last time I opened my blog. I keep receiving messages from my fans and followers asking me what’s wrong, asking me why there’s no new edition to the page or the blog, I don’t have any answers to this, I don’t know, I truly don’t know, I don’t know why I’ve stopped writing, it used to be the only thing I enjoy in life, and being the shy person I’m, it used to be my only way to expose my feelings and thoughts to the world. it might be because I’ve lost my inspiration, I lost the urge to write anything about myself, I lost the interest to tell the world how miserable I’m, how much broken I’m, and how much life keeps mistreating me in every step I take. Maybe I stopped writing because I don’t want to fill the world with more sadness, it has enough already. I don’t know even what to write about, I got so confused that made me stop, I stopped writing.

And for that, One thousand apologies.

I stopped doing so much things I was only known by doing them, I stopped laughing from the bottom of my heart, I stopped believing, I stopped having faith in anything specially myself, I stopped trusting people, I stopped caring for others and ofcourse, I stopped falling in love.

And for that, One thousand apologies.

Dears, you have to understand, that sometimes life might drag us along, drag us so far away, it takes us into paths where we MUST walk on, and walk alone, we have to find our own ways. We all have that secret corner that nobody knows except us, that corner where we head to whenever it’s raining heavily, whenever it’s so cloudy that we can’t see beyond our hands, whenever things go wrong, whenever we need to pray for the storm to clear out, whenever we are falling hardly, breaking into pieces, whenever we need space, a larger space, whenever we DON’T really need a company. I admit, it took me so long hiding in my dark corner, away from everything, and everyone, it took me so long to realize a few facts, so long to recover from some past deep injuries, and so much longer to get over some memories, just a little at a time. Life is too short, but this time it was bigger, than the strength I had to get up off my knees. But eventually, stronger, I’m up now.

I know you will forgive whatever I do wrong. I know that you will listen To the tiniest problem that I have.
One thousand apologies, for everything I did.
One thousand apologies, for every broken dream I shred.
One thousand apologies, for abusing your kindness.
One thousand punches, won’t give me what I deserve.
One thousand apologies, for the words I spoke.
One thousand apologies, for the way I treated you.
One thousand apologies, for all that I broke.
One thousand apologies, for being distant.
One thousand apologies, for the way I look.
One thousand apologies, for the way I think.

 I won’t promise you that the old me is back, but maybe a better me is back, no, definitely a better me is back, that’s what I’m working on, and I need your help in this, you will like the better new me, I promise ( a promise that I’m going to keep). Just all I want from you is to forgive my past behaviors, my past slips and let’s start all over again, let’s give the new me a try, and I will do my best to replace any hurt or bad feeling I made you feel with another good one, again, I promise.

I will always be around, as much as I can be, I will gain your trust back, I will try to get back all those who left me, angrily and disappointed, I will make it up for them, I will fulfill all my old promises.

And One thousand apologies, for bringing this up too late.

Now, literally, let’s all have a happy 2013 all J